Marsha Linehan dialectical behavior therapy
In her module, she talks about there are really three goals that we can have when we enter into any human interaction. Ideally, we achieve any of these three goals in the course of the interaction.
But sometimes that not practically possible, sometimes it is necessary for us to prioritize one of these goals above the other two, that we can ad should do this consciously and intentionally.
Three goals — Effectiveness, Harmony, and Self-respect.
Extreme examples
If I am prioritizing effectiveness then I am prioritizing getting what I want. I don’t care if you don’t like me, i.e. I am deprioritizing harmony and I don’t care if I have to beg or grovel to get it i.e. I am deprioritizing self-respect.
What is most important to me in this moment is that the thing gets done. It’s not important how you think about me or I think about myself afterward. Obtaining the desired good is paramount.
If I were to prioritize harmony, then I am prioritizing the continuation of the relationship above all things. No matter what happens, it’s most important to me that you continue to feel positively about me when this interaction is over.
This means that I am potentially going to go along with things that I don’t think will work that is I am deprioritizing effectiveness or with the things that I even find distasteful or degrading i.e. I am deprioritizing self-respect.
It’s not important if I fail, or how I think about myself afterwards as long as we are together, I’ll be all right.
If I were to prioritize self-respect above effectiveness and harmony then I’m prioritize being able to live with myself when the interaction is over. I need to stand up for myself and for what I believe to be right. This means that I am willing to fight a losing battle i.e. I am deprioritizing effectiveness and that I am willing to bear your hatred or animosity i.e. de-prioritizing harmony. This issue is bigger than me and this relationship and if necessary I am willing to die on this hill.
Generally, we should be able to get what we want and feel good about ourselves and ensure the continuation of our relationships. It’s not always possible but it is generally possible.
Like most problems, however, issues present themselves when folks are too rigid or inflexible about implementing one strategy over another. It’s not like one of these strategies is inherently better than the others but if all you have is say self-respect then you are probably gonna be a tough person to get along with and if you all have is harmony then you might end up quite resentful over all the potentially needless sacrifices you have made to make other people happy.
Flexibility is the key!